“Soft” Self-Defense Skills

TW: discussion on physical violence and brief mention of SA

When we practice martial arts sometimes we pay lip-service to the idea of self-defense. The problem with that is that self-defense is a hell of a thing to train. How do we effectively train for Social Violence and/or Predatory Violence without running out of training partners? Do we really expect someone to come up and challenge us like out of a Shaw Brothers movie to a duel?

Part of the reason I call this “lip service” is because of something most martial arts teachers don’t want to admit – most of your students (and yourself) will never have to use these skills in a serious situation. Doubly so if you properly prepare them for how NOT to use them. And that is the key thing for me when I’m teaching in a martial arts mindset or a self-defense mindset – the techniques don’t change, but my mindset as an instructor does. It goes from “Here’s all the nifty stuff you can do to someone’s shoulder joint!” to “Here’s how to not get hit and run away!”. But notoriously most martial arts teachers don’t teach the soft skills, the non-physical skills of how to avoid being in a place where getting into a fight is a possibility in the first place. Or if you are in an altercation, how to de-escalate the situation and avoid a fight altogether.

Situational awareness

Situational Awareness is a buzz word in the martial arts/self-defense world but few teachers actually try to define it. Think of your situational awareness like passive radar – it’s on, you don’t actively think about it, but sometimes you get a PING, a gut feeling, a guttural ick. Trust your gut. That’s your awareness picking up on something your frontal cortex hasn’t picked up on yet. It’s a sign to pay attention. But just because it’s a passive radar doesn’t mean we can’t train it to be better. More on that in a minute.

Truly the best advice I can give for avoiding a fight is to let go of your Ego. If someone wants to engage in the Monkey Dance (thank you Rory Miller, link in Resources below) and doing so causes you to lose face….so what? If a mugger wants your wallet, give it to them. How much damage can be done before you’ve reported the cards and IDs as stolen? Same for other physical items. Your body, your life, the lives and bodies of others are a different matter. You get to decide where your personal line is. Just be ready to back it up.

OODA – Observe, Orient, Decide, Act

The OODA loop was created by Colonel John Boyd originally as a way to train fighter pilots for better, faster reactions.

Observe – what is the situation?
Orient – Where are you in relation to the situation? Where are other important things in relation to you
Decide – what is your course of action?
Act – Just do It (Sorry, Nike, your check is in the mail)

There is a lot of talk about how to use this loop and how to hijack it for your opponent, but I’ll leave that for another time. For now let’s move on to how to improve our Observational skills.

Remember driving? Scan close to you then further out then back. Don’t just do that during driving but when walking, when sitting at the restaurant, etc. Scan your area for visuals, sounds, etc. Visually we use peripheral vision for movement and direct vision for details (as martial artists we already practice this difference) – so move your eyes when you scan but pay attention to that thing in the corner of your eye.

Observational Triggers: if these change then PAY ATTENTION.

Noise level
Smells/Senses
Lighting level
Movement patterns of patrons and staff
Activities of patrons
The way people are dressed
The mood of the people

Again, trust that niggling feeling in your belly. I can remember being in a movie theater soon after a national news story about a shooting in a movie theater and suddenly I felt a blast of cool air, more than could be explained by a change in the AC system. I missed a good 15 minutes of the movie while my brain moved from Passive Awareness to Active Awareness trying to determine if there was an actual threat. No threat appeared so I don’t know what happened.

Think about horror movies in the woods or the jungle – they always point out that the main character notices the animals have stopped making noise. In real life situations, if you live in an earthquake prone area and all the animals suddenly start making a lot of noise then hang on! If you’re at the beach and suddenly all the water rushes out to sea then you best be getting your ass to high ground ASAP.

The point here in trusting your observational gut is that if something feels “off” or “wrong” don’t ignore it. Trust that feeling and leave, or take another route.

There are things that are touted as “advice” about situational awareness that are okay but can be toxic if you can’t turn it off:

Always sit so you can see all exits – don’t get too paranoid.
Keep track of potential threats – you stop seeing people as people this way; ask your local PD.
Learning to recognize regulars in your commute/everyday experiences – this is great, just don’t start freaking out of someone changes their hair style
Practice following random people to get the skill of tracking – great idea in a country where there are a shit-ton of angry people with firearms.
Threat levels – lots of places use a color based system – White (unaware), Yellow (scanning), Orange (something has pinged but nothing is happening yet), Red (shit has hit the fan!). Similar to the first point, it’s easy to fall down a paranoia rabbit hole using this system.

If you find yourself constantly scanning and looking for threats then you will find threats. This isn’t good. Take it from someone who still struggles to relax in a crowd. Breath, relax your shoulders, unclench your butthole. The goal with situational awareness is to be aware but not vigilant.

Drills/Practices for Situational Awareness:

Mindfulness practices – the quieter your internal monologue the more aware you are of the outside world
Memory games
Memorize a Person – out in public, pick someone and quickly (less than 10 seconds) take a mental snapshot of them – their dress, their mannerisms, their defining features, etc – write down as much as you can remember, then check.
Identify a Room – out in public with another person, enter a restaurant/cafe area for a sit down. Take a super quick scan of the room, then turn to your accomplice (HAHA) and describe the room and general locations and numbers of people.
Think about your daily drives and walks and stops – emergency exits, alternate routes, cameras, etc.
Awareness Counting – before heading out on a walk or a drive decide on something to count – stop signs, blue subarus, people wearing pink shoes, etc. Keep a running mental tab.
Pretend to Be Someone Else – pick a friend or training partner and do your best to ape their mannerisms, walking, talking, etc. You can also try to do this with strangers but be warned that they might not appreciate your efforts.

De-Escalation Skills

Most of this comes from the Crisis Prevention Institute (CPI) training I received as a teacher, slightly adapted (the power dynamics of being a teacher make some of the advice not terribly useful for every day).

All behavior is a form of communication

CPI Crisis Development Model

Behavior Levels	Approach
Anxiety – a change in typical behavior	Supportive – empathic, non judgemental approach
Defensive – protecting from a real or perceived challenge	Directive – clear instructions
Risk Behavior – imminent/immediate threat of harm to self or others	Safety Interventions – strategies to minimize harm & maximize safety
Tension Reduction – decrease in physical & emotional energy	Therapeutic Rapport – re-establish relationship

Retain a rational detachment as possible

“Everyone is good” No, but there might be shit happening that you don’t know about so don’t jump straight to the physical skills

ANXIETY

Communication:

Verbal
- What you say – short, clear, respectfully phrased
- Instead of “What the fuck is wrong with you?” try “Whoa, you doing okay?”
Paraverbal
- Tone – be neutral
- Cadence – speak slowly and clearly
- Volume – do I need to scream?
Nonverbal
- Body language – postures, gestures, facial expressions, movements, etc all convey emotions. Use a mirror.
- Personal Space – different for everyone, but typically 3 levels of increasing closeness – Social, Personal, Intimate

Make it damn clear to bystanders that you are NOT INSTIGATING

Relaxed posture
Side on to 45 degree angle
Hands in view
Not ostensibly recognized as a “martial arts stance”
Be aware of the measure between you

If person is willing to communicate:

Remain non judgmental
Undivided attention (or the illusion thereof)
Listen to their words, their feelings, and read between the lines
Allow for silence
Paraphrase sticking to WHAT they said

DEFENSIVE

Escalation Continuum – They do ; You do

Challenging – attempt to draw into a power struggle ; downplay the challenge
Refusal – unwilling (or unable) to cooperate and follow instructions ; Limit Setting*
Release – verbal & emotional outbursts, swearing, screaming ; as long as safety is not compromised allow venting
Intimidation – threat of violence ; take threats seriously, leave and/or contact authorities**
Tension Reduction – decrease in physical & emotional energy ; re-establish relationship if desired

*Limit Setting is giving a choice with desired outcomes:

Interrupt & Redirect – “You’re yelling. Please speak more respectfully to me”
Fail Safe Choice – “Do you want to talk about this now or later?”
If/Then – “If you lower your voice, then we can talk”

**Don’t make the mistake in assuming your local authorities and/or community resources will be supportive if you are a victim of violence nor if you have to use physical skills to defend yourself. In fact, if things get physical, be mentally prepared to be considered a threat.

RISK BEHAVIOR

This is where the physical skills we practice come into play.

Key things to remember:

If you CAN get away then GET AWAY
Use of Force Threshold – Only use enough force to keep yourself safe, then keep other people safe, then keep the person having an episode safe.
It is our last resort but when harm must be done then do harm efficiently.

TENSION REDUCTION

This is what happens when the adrenaline rush runs out, the anger has burned out, etc. in both YOU and the INSTIGATOR as well as bystanders.

Emotional let-down – crying, apologizing, guilt, embarrassment
Physical let-down – shaking, nausea, bathroom, decreased breathing rate, tired

This is incredibly important to keep in mind for yourself. The letdown can happen right away or it could be a couple hours later. When I first learned this I was a teacher and so the focus was mostly on the Instigator – after you’ve gotten them calm again how do you best repair the relationship and move forward. In a more self-defense style of work you may not be as worried about repairing the relationship. The important part of this is to let yourself experience this. It’s “easy” to tamp the emotions down and in the short term (giving witness statements, getting yourself to safety, etc) this can be a good thing, but long term you are going to want to let your body get rid of the emotional baggage. Just make sure you’re in a safe place.

Conclusion

In the martial arts and self-defense worlds there is a lot of focus on physical skills of a fight but not a lot paid to how to not get into that fight. Hopefully this post has helped given you some idea of how to avoid the fight.

RESOURCES

https://www.crisisprevention.com/blog/general/De-escalation-Tips

https://fliphtml5.com/zsepu/weev/basic